Went to the beach, it was well...it just was. Really I think it can fairly be called awesome but a lot went down. Some shit was upsetting me and then I was drunk and something just set me off and I was so angry. And then there was us and them. And now we are all friends again and we can all get along and hang out but I'm worried about this us and them thing, I want it to go away. I don't want to feel excluded from a part of my friend group, I won't feel excluded. And people come up to me and tell me they love me and are sorry and that I am the most important, that I come first, because I have been there for them. But for me it isn't about be angry or about having sex or any of that, it's a moot point. I am emotional and picky. I don't like just anyone, Julia likes almost everyone and I am constantly disagreeing with her and not wanting people around because I am particular about my close friends. If I can not feel totally included and comfortable and understood with my friends then they should not be my closest friends. I have no intention of ditching friends, but I will not surround myself with people who make me feel like the 3 or 5 wheel. And I don't just want pity attention so I won't be annoyed. I want them to want to have me with them but I make things more fun. And I'm not annoyed.
Bleh. I'm not sure I'm making sense. I'm babbling but I need to babble. I love my friends, we have so much fun together. I'm just not sure how close I can let us be, how much I can really open up to them. I need advice and no one seems to have any after I explain how I'm feeling. I guess I'll figure it out. Time will tell. Fucking him fucking everything up.